When sleep isn't the problem

I'm tired

I woke up with a headache. I popped some Advil as my daughter read me her essay. For extra measure I take an allergy pill. The cats. I roll my eyes remembering how I compromised my health for my kids happiness years ago.

The flurry of children and mayo and “where is my notebook” and the time keeper kid announcing, “we need to get in the car in 6 mins” didn’t help my headache.

Every morning is a rush. My space is smashed like the turkey I pile up between two slices of French bread. We get in the car and everyone is quiet. We are all tired. I do the drop off circle and I am alone. Finally.

I recall the unread to messages I have on my phone. How long can I go before I respond? More voices in my morning flatten me, not fatten me. I want a fat soul.. an obscenely-obese-full one. But, recently, with all the running around and with all the people my heart is holding, my soul is thin.

I’m tired. I don’t think sleep is the problem. I mean I always want more sleep, of course, but I think it’s a deeper sort of tired. I dismiss this feeling often because who isn’t tired?! We are all exhausted! (stop complaining already!)

I press play.

I listen to the voice of a friend far away. I hear her tears and her sorrow and her hope. I begin to hear my voice too.

I’m tired. Sometime it’s not rest we need, it’s nourishment. I need a warm cup of tea in my hands. I need to release that which I can’t control. I need to listen to the rain outside my window. I need to remember that not everything is an emergency. I need to remember that people only become a burden if I insist on carrying them too long. I need my headache to go away. But, more than anything, I need Jesus. I need the kind voice of Christ reminding me to come and find rest for my soul.

Being tired ins’t a weakness, it’s an indication that I need rest.

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A Liturgy for When I Feel Tired (except from my book Feel)

God, I come to You bearing my soul.

I feel tired. I feel it in my body. I’ve known this feeling in my story.

I need Your gentleness now because I am prone to push and punish myself.

I need Your hospitality because I have a hard time welcoming myself with all of my needs.

God, I come to You.

You invite me to lay down my load.

One by one, I do.

I lay down my people. I lay down my tasks. I lay down my responsibilities. I lay down my pride. I lay down my time. I lay down my results. I lay down my fears. I lay down all the possibilities. I lay down my expectations. I lay down my tidiness. I lay down my rights. I lie down.

I come. I exhale. I rest.

As I come, I let You love me.

Amen.

Feel—a collection of liturgies offering hope for every complicated emotion

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Stay awake to love, sister.

May your day be blessed, full, and rested!